Cobra Commander test positive for COVID-19

[Maddox]

Springfield, IL

World famous politician and militia leader, Cobra Commander, has been diagnosed with the coronavirus, reports Cobra spokesperson Tomax.

“We regret to inform the world that Cobra Commander has contracted the virus and is in serious condition,” said Xamot. “We have taken the precautionary steps to quarantine the commander and to monitor any individuals he may have been in contact with.”

While Cobra Commander downplayed the virus as something inconsequential compared to Cobra’s genetically engineered bio-weapons, the organization has softened its stance on the seriousness of the disease.

“Clearly this is a larger threat than first assessed,” continued Tomax.

It’s unclear how Cobra Commander came into contact with the disease. Officials familiar with the situation suggest it may be a result from Cobra Commander overseeing an attempt to weaponize the virus.

Many messages of support from world leaders have been released, with some countries even offering to provide Cobra with medical equipment. "These offers have been appreciated by Cobra," says James Destro, C.E.O of MARS and a close business associate of the Cobra organization, "but unnecessary."

“We’ve already stolen multiple ventilators to take care of our medical needs, as well as to sell on the global market at a high markup, so we don’t really need anymore,” Destro remarked via Skype.

But some individuals have been more than callous in their reaction to the tragic news.

Duke, field commander of the clandestine US anti-Cobra special forces, G.I. Joe, said that Cobra Commander contracting the disease is a blessing.

“He’s a terrorist leader. He and Cobra have caused over a hundred-thousand deaths, major destabilization of at-risk regions in the world, and sends his own men and women into harm’s way to gain money and power. He was caught redhanded trying to use the virus to kill even more people. The pandemic is a tragedy, but this particular instance is not.”

When pressed on whether his comments were appropriate, given that Cobra Commander has a son, Duke ended the interview.

In response to these comments, Tomax responded with frustration.

“Cobra has had political differences with G.I. Joe since the inception of the organization, but this hardly calls for the ghoulish comments such as Duke’s. It’s completely inappropriate.”

Many on social media have decried Duke’s comments as offensive and out of touch

@Zartan0101x: “Duke is no better than Cobra in this interview #FeelBetterCobra

@Baronness_1 ☑ “Duke so full of hate for people he disagrees with, who else will G.I. Joe attack? #NoGoJoe”

@JoeBiden “Now is not the time Americans want to see our political differences divide our response to this pandemic. I hope Cobra Commander recovers swiftly.”

Fortunately, Cobra Commander’s disease has not prevented the organization’s support of the US economy, as the American southwest is still expected to pay the ransom to Cobra for their access to the Colorado river water supply. Currently 900 people have perished as a result of the drought.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/08/uk/cobra-command-coronavirus-wednesday-uk-gbr-intl/index.html